For variety you could add, on occasion, "I think I'm going to throw up."

That's probably the funniest thing I'll read all day.

Salad tongs.

The bad part is that the diapers are not REALLY heinous just yet. Give it about another 8-12 months (or upon the introduction of solid food). It will give you a chance to fill in slots 1 & 2 with some really good expletives.

...better hope the wife doesn't see this one.

Welcome to infant training school, where the baby will do it's best to break your will via sleep depravation, gross and disgusting bodily functions, and unbearable cuteness.

Heh.

Wait till he gets to law school.

That's not for real, is it? That's something my d..chebag brother in law would do to my sister. I hate that guy. And they've got number 3 on the way ... what's she thinking? Anyway, I've got 1 on the way, too, and you should have seen the look of surprise on his stupid, sub-Gumpian IQ, greenhorn face when I told him I plan on changing my kid when she needs it. Priceless!

Oh, just wait until the solid food hits. The best? When your wife tries pears which for some odd reason clog the plumbing for a few days then decides to switch to prunes.

Took the two of us 5 minutes to get her out of her onesie and the changing pad cleaned.

Pampers, Huggies, Luvs, store brand, or cloth, Stephen?

FWIW, I'd avoid Pampers and go for Huggies Supreme, as Pampers lack the ever-so-critical rear elastic waistband which protect from the dreaded "Back Jet O' Poo".

i think we may have found why traffic is down.

Another wait until.....

He toddles, then discovers he can produce a supply of fingerpainting material almost on demand..and he has a nice flat wall next to his crib,,with bars to hold with one hand whilst redecorating with the other...while DaDa is downstairs on the 'puter.....

From an experienced GrandPa who greatly beleives and enjoys the
concept of:
"What goes around, comes around"

This post and the comments will be the highlight of my day--no, my week. Thanks.

I'm so out of the loop. Many belated congratulations, and nice work.

Oh man up! It's just a little smell! ;)

Reminds me of this old joke.
-----------
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

Please keep us posted on how long this technique "works."

It only gets worse. Wait till he starts crappin' out of the diaper and you don't notice until

a) you pick him up -- blech
b) you see him toddling away and notice a moist crescent on his butt

And, as a sahd, I'm unable to call out, "Honneeeey!"

An old friend of mine was a chronic nail-biter until he started changing diapers. Cured him quick.

This is all pretty funny.

And as the mother of a 4-month old, I appreciate the tip about pear-prune rotation.

Latex Gloves

Waldoes

I'm waiting for the first time you experience the "jet stream". Be careful with those boys... they'll spray you like a scared skunk before you can blink!

The "back jet of poo" hit us in the middle of an upscale department store when our youngest, now 4, was a baby. Talk about embarassing. It was in his hair and everything! Ick. I puke a little just thinking about it...

Hey, you don't know stinky until they start to eat real foods (like meat). Kidding aside, the bonding of parenting comes from doing the things for them that they can't do for themselves. Don't miss out. Besides, you will want to be able to bring this up to your teen at an embarassing moment!

Beware of apple juice.

And remember when putting on pants, "1 leg to a customer."

You'll get a real sense of satisfaction when they start raising their legs on the changing table w/o telling them.

No peanut butter or honey til at least age 3 - maybe honey until age 5, I can't remember, no fish until age 6 and my kid also had entirely too much ketchup at age 2, too much acid, had to stop until she was about 5.

And feed the kid when he's hungry so you don't have to listen to him cry. Rice cereal around 4 months if he can tolerate it might lead to fewer night feedings if he's a hungry, hungry baby.

Can you survive on just milk? Give his tummy something to work on.

Wimp.

I haven't had to deal with diapers for about 3 years now (hallelujah!) but I second the Huggies recommendation. It was the leg elastic that did it for us; my kids had skinny legs and without the elastic, well: ick. If you haven't figured this out yet, tuck the ruffle in around the leg holes, it really helps.

My entry for grossest bodily-function mishap, which I am so happy did not happen to me. A co-worker was lying down on his back and "flying" his 3-4 month old daughter over his chest and face. She spit up and it landed in his mouth. "Ew" does not even begin to cover this situation.

The worst thing 2 of my 3 kids did was projectile vomit when insufficiently burped -- it's astonishing how much liquid comes up and how far it travels.

HeHe.. It's only beginning!

My son, our first child, is 16 months old and I still laugh about the first week he was home.

Lovely Bride and Mother of My Children was sleeping, I was watching The Boy. He needed changing. Right..

The Boy on the changing table...check

Diaper off...check

Warm washcloth...check

Where the heck is that warm rain coming from....awww man!

Big smile from The Boy...check.

It was like the little yellow-haired monkey knew what he was doing! And only a week old!

Seriously, it's been a blast! I wouldn't trade being a Dad for anything in the world. Smells, warm showers and all.

You must really be a con-artist. My wife would never fall for it.

Hey, my kids are 22 and 28....they still laugh about purple kool aid and booberry cereal making them poop green...the fun never ends!

Congrats on the little one....don't be a chicken....a little poop never hurt anybody. (I don't think)

When the time comes to move from boob juice (or formula) to cow squeezings, Be Very Careful. When my daughter was first introduced to milk her stomach had an amazing power. If you put a cup of milk down the hatch, 7/8 of a cup of fresh feta cheese spewed wildly from her mouth no more than 30 seconds later. My dog laments the day my daughter learned to cohabitate with milk.

I have lost my lunch into the very same diaper I was changing. Always allow yourself that indulgence.

3. "Honnnneeeeeeeey!"

That's gonna work like, twice. And you just burned one of 'em.

The truly funny part, Stephen, is that you're actually gonna get used to it, and pretty quickly too.

:peter

Ok Stephen, I am sitting here giggling and seeing you holler for your bride.

Remember, the fun doesn't stop, just changes directions.

And as long as everyone is sharing stories....that very handsome rotten son of mine that you know so well? He was days old....both grandmas visiting us....one at his head and one at his feet....the one at the feet was changing him. Mind you, both these grandmas have two sons themselves. Well, diaper off, air hit, footgrandma gets hit, instinct tells her to point that thing the other way. Headgrandma gets it too now. One changing, two laughing hysterical grandmas and my charming husband wanted to know when he could change his son. Meanwhile, I am trying not to explain to my two-year old why Grammy and Bubbie are laughing so hard they are crying.

I don't have a boy but even I know to cover w/something while changing.

This is the hardest I've laughed reading comments in a while.

Oh and Peter Jackson's right. You did just burn one.

My kid pooped all the up into her armpits today. Nice.

VP,

You are so Farked, and I mean in a good way!

Suli

One of these in the changing area would be a great addition:
http://www.servu-online.com/Kitchen-Equipment-Kitchen-Supplies/PreRinse-Sprayer-Advance-Tabco.asp

I have two daughters, so believe me when I tell you that approach doesn't ALWAYS work.

I thought I had a pretty strong stomach, but I had to close comments until I finished my granola bar.

A real treat is when you think you're gonna change a peepee diaper, and they start pooping right in the middle of the process.

Not to get too scatological here, but...

Do you recall that scene in The Incredibles in which Syndrome ignites the booster rocket on his ICBM and Dash, exploring the exhaust tunnels beneath the launch facility, sees a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, only to have a look of horrified comprehension come over his face as he realizes what that light means? You will become intimately familiar with that sense of comprehension the first time you have your son's rear end lifted high into the air and a blast of baby flatulence escapes at high velocity, soon to be followed by Real Time Poo Expulsion™.

Ain't parenthood grand?

I think we could torture the bad guys from whom we want information by making them take care of an infant. They'd break in 24 hours.

Have fun with these days, they are all too short. Yesterday I was changing diapers, today I worry about tuition. And I will never forget the day my mother-in-law handed me my eldest and with a smile announced she needed changing.

I don't know what sub-Gumpian means but I like it.

I can't wait to use it on one of my co-workers.

It can't backfire can it?

flashbacks galore.

The Jet'o'poop..hehe, I called them "blowouts" which I would usually handle by going directly to the bathtub clothes and all. Strip em down with the water running, rinse out the clothes, drain water, bathe kid.

I have a quick gag reflex, so poo stench always got me...so my solution was to take a baby wipe, and rip it in two, and shove the 2 pieces in my nose during the process. Works wonders.

Also, you need to learn the onehanded diaper-fold-retape for the gargbage manuever.

Sounds like you're having a great time with Preston. :)

I'm very fortunate that my boy never peed up while being changed. Pee just went down onto the changing pad. Whew!

When any of the babies were horribly messy - as in diaper failure - I changed them right in the bathtub and washed them clean with the handheld shower. Baby wasn't always happy with that solution, but a few minutes of shower was better than using a whole box of wipes trying to get poop off every area of their little selves. Bleah.

lg: Forrest Gump.

We found changing tables completely unnecessary on principle. Our daughter rolled over on the early side, but it's hard to roll off the floor.

Handing the child a toy/object during the change often helps with the playing-in-own-bodily-waste problem, although not always. And we found Pampers worked far better than Huggies for us due to the elastic placement; we got rear poop-jet every time we tried the Huggies. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Best of luck!

I can relate to the Real Time Poo Expulsion™--my son one time hit the far wall. I laughed so hard my wife had to finish changing him, but I was the lucky one to clean it up.

Even better was the potty-training episode two years later where he's standing up to pee and decides to relieve his bowels instead--without turning around. Both will be related to potential wives one day.

my beautiful princess, 5 now, had a massive projectile poopie during a diaper change that landed in my freshly packed travel luggage, so make sure you've got the new diaper shielding you and your home from the nasty one

I haven't laughed this hard in ages. Thanks! Ahh just wait until they have explosive diarhea at school...and you have to clean 'im up in the boy's room using paper towels. My wife called me up and all she said was "your son needs you".

All I can say is experience all you can to the fullest now...it'll keep you in warm thoughts when they split for college, when you close the door on their dorm room and walk away for the first time, and face that long drive home, remember........ (personal info: two boys, 23, 25-married, first grandchild on the way)

My wife had a C-section, so I did the first ~15 diaper changes. Those were also the first 15 diaper changes I EVER accomplished in my nearly 38 years. My daughter and I bonded during those first few days and have been tight ever since (nearly 4 years). Hopefully we are close enough now so maybe she will tolerate me when she is a teen.

When she was 6 months old, we took swimming lessons. Mom had just left the house to go shopping, leaving me to get ready. My Daughter produced a bomb of monumental proportion! It was all over her, me, the floor, maybe a wall. My wife called to make sure I was getting out the door and check how it was going. I said "OH MY GOSH, There is "stuff" all over everything". But I didn't say stuff.

Enjoy every minute, even when it gets tough. There is no better job in the world than "Dad".

No matter how stinky my kids poop is, it doesn't bother me, yet a stranger changing their kid will make me gag. Is that a working definition of love or what? You probably have felt this feeling already - that you are priveledged to care and provide for your little one, isn't that a great feeling? It's right up there with the belly nap, where the little guy sleep on your belly as you recline, his little curly q legs tucked beneath him. His breathing is hypnotic to you yours reasuring to him. Your wife charmed by the sight is also glad for some alone time and takes a 45 minute shower.