We plugged in the back yard bug zapper on Saturday, and already it's buzzing and shaking like a meth fiend on a really dirty dose. Why all the fuss? Miller moths.

Here on the Front Range, we get jillions of the little guys every spring. My first year here – way back in 1994 – was an especially bad one. Opened up a kitchen cabinet to grab a coffee cup one morning, and a dozen moths flew out. Needless to say, I gave the mug a Howard Hughes-style cleaning before I poured anything in it.

Here's the deal. Each spring, the Millers migrate deep into the mountains from Kansas, and stop here for a little R&R along the way. Or maybe they're going from the mountains to Kansas, although Whomever knows there's no good reason to do that. Either way, I'm too lazy to look it up.

Our Primary Cat, Dingo, is in charge of eating any moths that make their way into the house, and it's a job he takes quite seriously. Too seriously. Not only does he scream at the ceiling where a moth is hanging out beyond his reach, he screams at the ceiling where a moth was spotted last week. Don't think that routine doesn't get old after a while – a very short while.

The infestation two years ago was almost as bad as The Great Miller Moth Movement of 1994. So many bugs got in the house (don't ask how – we have A/C and kept the windows closed) in 2002, that when the cat wasn't launching himself every whichway trying to catch one, he was screaming at the ones on the ceiling. So I over-thought the problem.

Instead of doing the sane thing and getting a bug zapper, I… well, this is almost too shameful to admit. Really, I thought too hard. Didn't think of the obvious, Home Depot solution. Didn't buy a bug zapper.

Oh, no.

See.. we have a torchier lamp in the living room. (Well, for another couple weeks, until Berwick Electric installs the ever-so-tasteful recessed lighting.) So I put a cutting board on the floor of the living room, then laid the torchier on its side, with the hot end on the cutting board. With all the other lights off, the moths were attracted to the horizontal torchier. Result: Moths within reach of moth-killing cat.

Of course, that was a total pain in the ass, and a cause for amusement for anyone coming to visit early in the day, before I got the lamp set back up straight.

The next year, shopping at Home Depot for some army ant anthrax, I saw the bug zappers for sale, then slapped my forehead and got out my checkbook.

OK, actually, I got out my check card. Anyone writing checks in line at high-volume stores really ought to get zapped, themselves. Or at the very least, mauled by screaming cats.

NOTE: Why such a useless post? As an antidote to this thing, which still has me pissed to tears.