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Noel Hell
Posted by Stephen Green · 29 November 2003
I'm afraid of heights. Really, that's my only irrational fear. Heights. And spiders. Heights and spiders and fathering ugly children. OK, so I'm a quivering bundle of irrational neuroses, but that's not the point. The point is, I'm afraid of heights. Planes don't bother me, and neither do rollercoasters, Ferris Wheels, or anything like that. Hell, I love those things. But open heights scare the crap out of me. So how do I deal with it? I do stuff like climb trees and rocks, and (just once) jump out of an airplane. Or hang Christmas lights. Next year will be easier. Now that the cup hooks are in place, we should be able to string the lights up with one of those grabby extension pole thingies. But not this time around. Oh, no. Today was spent on the roof with a cordless drill and two boxes of 3/4" cup hooks. The plan was to string those white icicle lights along the roofline above the garage, then back under the gutter to the front door, and from there across the north side of the front of the house. Turned out the garage – the highest, scariest part, was the easiest part of the job. Climbing up the ladder didn't bother me too much, not even with a drill in one hand and a back pocket full of cup hooks. The roof… well, it's a spectacular view up there, and one I didn't dare look at. Besides, the wind could have picked up and, uh, gotten up into my jeans and carried me away to certain doom. Or something. Once I got myself sprawled out flat on the roof, everything was kosher. No way to fall from there. And the work itself was pretty straightforward. Drill a few holes nine inches apart (hey, I don't like droopy icicle lights), move up the slope of the roof, repeat down the downward slope, then go back to the beginning and screw in the cup hooks. I was so busy trying not to drop the hooks that I hardly had a chance to remember how high up I was. Also, I had a power tool, and that will conquer most any fear. Or so I thought. The real problem began when I realized the rest of the lights would have to be strung under the gutter – each of my arms has only the usual number of elbows, and I forgot (unlike Tom Hanks in "Saving Private Ryan) to bring a bayonet, shaving mirror, and chewing gum up with me. And that meant I couldn't do it from the roof, but rather from up on the ladder. Up high on the ladder. Up high on the ladder which was leaning against the fragile gutter. Up high on the ladder which was leaning against the fragile gutter and was standing on uneven ground. Did I mention the wind yet? The new plan was not-so-simple: Put the rickety ladder up against the fragile gutter. I should mention that by the time I got halfway finished, the slope of the ground forced me to rest the ladder up against the wall – the gutter was too damn high. And that forced me to get even higher up on the rickety ladder. And I was forced to drill up over my head, without any way to brace myself with my free hand. And and, the ground was even more uneven under that part of the roof. So the rickety ladder became the rickety, unbalanced ladder. And and and, I swear to Whomever the wind picked up a notch. Melissa tells me the lights look great. I can't tell myself, because I'm typing this laying prone on the floor of the basement, hanging on for dear life. Comments
Just dropped in to remind you that your fear of fathering ugly children is totally irrational!! You look better in person than the picture you use on your blog site, and Melissa appears ready to bat 1.000 when the time comes for her to bear your children. Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger at November 29, 2003 08:07 PMWell, I know NOW who to call upon when I need to service the lights, aneoemeter and apparent wind indicator atop my boat's mast. Oh, and I need to have you insepct the swages on the standing-rigging, while you'e up there? After all, it's only 38 feet above the water. Steve? STEVE? *slap-slap*...STEVE, WAKE UP !!!! [smelling salts] Damn, for a guy who lives OVER A MILE above sea-level, ya'd think a mere thirty-eight feet wouldn't be a problem, yes? *grins* Jim I also have a fear of heights, but guess what - it isn't an irrational fear, it isn't claustrophobia or something. If you fall from a great height, you break some portion of your body or maybe just kill yourself. Being afraid of that isn't irrational. Posted by: Pat at November 29, 2003 10:20 PMMy fear of heights is irrational; it manifests mostly when driving over some bridges and not others. Be that as it may, I read all that with one knee hooked tightly to my chair, and noticed it when you described typing stretched out on the floor. There comes a time in the lives all men and women when the telephone numbers of several handyman types are essential. Find yourself someone you trust to do a good job and let him do it. That way the economy keeps humming along and everyone makes a living at what they do best and you don't risk life and limb. Also, take this from an old grandma, there's no such thing as an ugly child. People become ugly from the inside out, they don't start out that way. Posted by: erp at November 30, 2003 06:56 AMAsk Santa for one of those drill-holsters...solves the problem of what to do with the drill while climbing about the house. You do realize you can pay people to put up the lights for you, right? ;) Posted by: amy at November 30, 2003 10:55 AMTwo words: Plastic clips. They have ones that attach right to the gutters. Clip them on and string the lights. Took me 15 minutes to hang my lights thanks to those little things. Posted by: Jay Caruso at November 30, 2003 11:06 AMHo, ho, humbug. Another reason to be Jewish. Posted by: Ed at November 30, 2003 12:20 PMPaying someone else is for old ladies and weenies, don't do that. What you need to do is get good and drunk :) You have two options: -Leave the lights up year 'round (a very popular option here in Oklahoma). -Celebrate Kwanzaa instead. You don't have any irrational fears of cornucopias, do you? Posted by: Cam at November 30, 2003 06:42 PMI don't like spiders either. Nasty critters, should be banned. Or something like that. Posted by: david at December 1, 2003 04:33 AMI'm not real fond of heights either. Not paralyzingly afraid, but I really, really don't like heights that don't feel absolutely secure. Don't mind planes or even mountians, so long as I'm not near an unguarded edge. Unfortunately for me, my Dad is the same way. So guess who got to do all the fun, ladderly stuff when I was a kid. Visualize, if you will, a 24 foot extension ladder, extensioned all the way to the top of a telephone pole. Now visualize trying to mount one of those security lights, you know, the big ones that weigh approximately 80 lbs, standing on probably the second or third step from the top, holding that stupid light in one hand and the drill in the other. And there was wind. I periodically remind my Dad of things like this. I also remind him that sonme day he will be old and feeble and there will be a reckoning. :) Posted by: Garrett at December 1, 2003 06:21 AMA potential cure for you. Get involved in theater, specifically the lighting crews. I hated heights, scared the tar out of me. I also hated looking like a wuss, so while in the theater dept. in college I spent an inordinate amount of time on top of rickety 60 ft ladders manhandling 35 lb ellipsoidal lights (which at 1000 watts were pretty darn hot! And heat-seized in place I might add). Many times this was in the auditorium with a shim under one leg of a extention ladder, only three feet of set-back for the bottom of the ladder, and a long fall onto wooden seating. Funny, but heights don't bother me much anymore... Posted by: matt andrade at December 1, 2003 07:51 AMWe too, put lights up yesterday. As a couple. It took 7 hours. Fortunately for us, the twins are coming over next weekend to do everything higher than the first floor gutter. The only caution? They want to 'Griswald' us, so the house will be visible from outer space. Posted by: kat at December 1, 2003 02:04 PMWhat exactly does "climb rocks" mean? I've done unprotected 4th class a couple of times. I was scared, and with a reason. For future use, perhaps you could put a bolt into your chimney... Posted by: Lonewacko: I'm Still Blogging Across America at December 3, 2003 10:58 AM |
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